I recently heard from a woman who had been married for 23 years. She felt her weight was always an issue and was “the battleground in their marriage.” She felt disappointed after her bariatric surgery, expecting that the surgery would “make everything great.” However, after surgery she is finding that he still wants intimacy, but she’s not interested. If you find that problems in your marriage do not magically disappear after your bariatric weight loss surgery, please read on.
Love, Sex and Marriage is a very complex set of emotional, moral and physiological beliefs and practices. It’s common to now question your partner’s motives and doubt him because the dynamics of your relationship have not yet been transformed
Until the two of you can sit down and get complete with your past relationship there is nothing available as a new future other than “more of the same.” You are singing the same song, but just a different verse.
Talking about what worked, what didn’t work, and where you both gave up on matters that were important to you to “survive” the marriage is one of the toughest conversations to have, especially if you have this kind of deep and introspective “look” without blame, guilt or being passive-aggressive.
First of all, do not make yourself wrong for feeling this way. This is what it looks like to be in the middle of transforming your life and empowering the inner you.
The second step – which is much harder – is to forgive. Forgive him, for what you felt he did or did not do, and forgive yourself for what YOU did or did not do. Forgive each other for selling out, and for not speaking up. Forgive yourselves for speaking up with anger, force, drama, emotion and meltdowns.
You might also consider forgiving yourself for not speaking up when there was something that needed to be said.
Give up making others – and yourself — wrong for how the past has gone. Your inter-personal relationships were built on certain dynamics that are no longer there. You have changed. Your experience of yourself, your power, and your new-found freedom to create your life, is now at play.
Empowering yourself to have a say, and to be the one to say how your life will go, is a new-found freedom. Much like Luke Skywalker, learning to use his power to control the light sabre. He was awkward until he got into his own power, his own rhythm, and became masterful at guiding his inner light. You now get to say how it is going to go, rather than what you need to settle for, negotiate away, or compromise on.
This is one of the biggest experiments of your life … reinventing yourself. Be prepared to be angry, to be righteous, to be defiant, and to let all of those emotions bubble to the surface that never got to be expressed.
Use those negative emotions powerfully, and channel them into positive directions. Find your inner balance. Take up Yoga, Pilates, Zumba, Salsa or Ball Room Dancing. Join a walking club, or a biking club. Go take a hike. (That’s a pun!)
Make this challenging time of transformation about YOU and YOUR life. Make it about your great gift and unleashing your passionate caring on the world. Volunteer for a cause that really captures you and lifts your soul and spirit. Discover yourself newly.
This is not about him, or any other person. It is only about you.
With intimacy, forgiveness and freedom as a clear space to stand, now what’s possible?
You are magnificent and you are infinite. Now, go be responsible for that.
PS: Are there any topics you’d like to see me address? Any situations or circumstances that you are dealing with? You can submit your comments or questions to me anonymously. Simply email OCC-Coach@obesitycontrolcenter.com